In the 1960s, political activism took many forms. My preference was to use journalism and humor to drive slices of the conversation. Among my idols was the renowned satirist Art Buchwald. I attempted to adopt his style while a featured columnist for a twice-weekly newspaper on the East End of Long Island. Note the careful use of the word 'attempted.'

First ‘Off The Cuff’ satire column by David J. Caulfield, appearing in the Sunday Review, February 14, 1971.

Copyright material used with permission

It was a bubble heard around the world. You know how the Revolution started in a town called Lexington, but history will recall the bubble which popped in Suffolk when detergents were banned.

Being of sound mind and worried about my future, I pressed a County detective for information.

“From which segment of society do you expect the most trouble – communists, radical students, militant Blacks or disgruntled taxpayers?”

“Surprisingly enough, none of them. It’s worse than that. Our very fiber is crumbling.”

Petrified, I begged him to tell me what it was that threatened my comfortable middle-class existence. Reluctantly, he explained about the ban on the sale of detergents in Suffolk.

“What could that possibly have to do with the revolution? Do bullets have to be washed in detergents?”

Seeing little humor in my remark, he explained the situation. “As of March 1, no detergents will be sold in Suffolk County, right?”

“Right.”

“Women use detergents.”

“Yes.”

“Well, there you have it -the making of the largest illicit detergent ring in the country.”

“Astonishing, tell me more.”

“Through intensive investigation on the part of the District Attorney, police have uncovered many plots to import detergents from New York and Nassau. Boats filled with the stuff have run aground at Jamesport for the last two months. Secret meetings between pot smoking kids and their mothers have formed. They compare notes on the most effective method of secreting in contraband. It seems the kids have a lot more experience at this type of thing. These women expect to peddle the stuff on the, excuse the expression, ‘black-market.’”

“That’s almost unbelievable; isn’t there anything that can be done to stop this?”

“Well yes, there have been attempts. First there were police border patrols at the Nassau-Suffolk line. Random searches were made by hosing down the entire car. If any suds were detected, the culprit would be brought in for further questioning. Unfortunately, this had to be abandoned.”

“Why?”

“There were three-day delays on the Long Island Expressway.”

“Anything else being done?”

“[Suffolk County Executive] H. Lee Dennison established a committee on the subject but their findings were dismal to say the least.

"Martha Mitchell, the chairman, issued a public statement that the whole thing could be attributed to a communist conspiracy. She spoke for two hours on communism in Suffolk but didn’t talk at all about the detergent problem."

He continued, "The rest of the committee did make one recommendation. ‘Since the use of the No Knock Law is virtually ineffective because women flip their machines to drain, be it resolved that the police be empowered to enter, without warning, any sewer which is thought to contain detergent suds. This evidence may be used in a court of law for prosecution of the defendant.’”

Excited at the prospect of stopping the problem, I said, “Do you really think this will solve the situation?”

Unhappily. the detective looked up and said, “No chance. After hearing the resolution, the police went out on strike.”